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Learning to Nurture Your Step-Children

Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce and 80 percent of divorced people remarry. Because of these high rates of divorce and remarriage, in addition to the remarriage of widowed parents, approximately one-third of all children may spend part of their youth with a step-parent. Stepfamilies are a challenge for both the step-parent and the step children. Step-parents need to learn how to deal with step-children and how to respond to difficulties in this often-challenging relationship.

Transitioning into a New Family
Try to make the transition into a new family a smooth one. Respect the fact that your step-children may feel vulnerable and fearful because of the upheaval in their lives. Major changes have occurred in their routines and living arrangements, changes that they may be too young to deal with on their own. Be patient and understanding. Do not expect an instant bond to develop between you and your step-children. Instead, take the time to gradually get to know them and let them get used to your presence.

Step-Children Difficulties
Keep in mind that a child, regardless of his age, may have unrealistic or even impossible expectations of what his new family will be like. He may also be resentful about your role in the family, especially if he feels that you are monopolizing his parent's time.

Since you are the step-parent, do your best to overlook the small hurts that can build up to resentment. No matter how tempted you may be to react harshly, always avoid criticism or sarcasm when dealing with your step-children. Step-parents, of course, do have a right to be treated respectfully, and you can foster this by setting a good example and always respecting your step-children.

Living with Your Partner and Step-Children
One of the most important factors to remember when dealing with step-children is to support your partner's approach to discipline. When problems arise, the children need to see that you and their biological parent are a united front. If you do not agree with you spouse's approach, discuss that in private.

If the biological parent is away and you must discipline immediately, act as the "adult in charge," not as a parent. This means that you should enforce the rules of the house but let the biological parent make the final decision on an appropriate punishment when he or she returns.

Find some time to spend time with each step-child and become familiar with his or her world. Participate in activities that both of you enjoy, such as a hobby or a sport. Avoid fostering competition between your step-children and any biological children you may also have, especially if they live in the same household.

Remember that the holidays can be a particularly difficult challenge for blended families. Respect the traditions of your step-children and their biological parents. You might want to create your own holidays or celebrate ones for which no ritual yet exists, perhaps by spending the day after Christmas together as a family.

Nurture Your Marriage
Remember that your marriage is your most important relationship and that it should not be neglected. You should never feel guilty for setting aside time to be alone with your spouse, because a strong relationship with your spouse will make the relationship with your step children more amicable.

Worth the Effort
Step parenting is a role that millions of adults will experience at least once in their lives. Keep in mind the concerns that your step-children may have and remember that a successful transition into a blended family may be a struggle at times, but it is well worth the effort.

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